Life is everywhere. People have babies all the time. Almost always there is someone I know who is pregnant or has a baby. I've even been so privileged as to assist in a delivery. Life comes about frequently, joyously, and even sometimes unexpectedly.The excitement builds up in an expectant mother. The anticipation is almost too much to bear. There are fears, but they always pass.
The first wail of a newborn is both a little frightening and a cause for joy. A small new person breathes their first breath of air. The body is wet, and in my experience ... very very pink. It's a wonder to see the little hairs on a newborn's head. The small fingers are all equal in size. The fragile body is wrapped tightly in a blanket, but even then it's difficult to know what to say, or how to behave, or even how to feel. Birth invariably has had a strange effect on me. It's surreal. I'm seldomly able to grasp the idea of this new teensy individual existing in the world that I know. There are faint doubts in my head surrounding the whole idea of it.
Life is easy. We're all living right now. This passing moment, every feeling, every sensation, every regret, every pain of jealousy, the agony of feeling alone, the joy of company, the promise of hope, the itch on your back, the taste in your mouth, the memories gliding through your mind, they are all a part of existence in this world. These are things we really know. We all share in them to some degree. It's a pretty thing, this beingness, even when it feels ugly.
To all good things there must come an end.
Death is unavoidable. Much like birth, I am unable to comprehend it when it occurs. I never had the opportunity to try either, but here it is ... a few feet away. Death is mysterious. I don't trust it at all! Tonight my part in it was unrelated to my part in birth. I was a witness once again. That is where the relation ends. That is how it feels. That feeling is false.
The truth is much like the birth I was present for, this participation in the experience of death was also a privilege. I'm thankful that my darling waited for me before she passed. It was bittersweet to be so close to one I loved so dearly when the time came for her saddeningly slow and slightly painful departure. I look even now and half expect her soft black ears to perk up a little. Maybe, just maybe if I whisper her name her eyes will open and meet mine again... It's a beautiful falsity. I don't curse death. I welcome it for it's own sake, even so far as to remove it from life... Death is make believe, it's conjured up as something that it is not becasue we cannot explain it readily or particularly. There is no such thing as death ...only a changing of worlds.
Jenna, lovely little angel who has left me to frolic the pastures of heaven and to amuse herself with the chasing of rabbits (never catching...playful chasing) and perhaps even to rest on a few beds. My wonderful Jenna... Walking up the steps and opening the door I would always hear her tail beating against the entryway wall... barely able to contain her happiness that I was home. Jenna my sweet... Pulling down the bed covers and climbing onto the pillow when no one was looking. Jenna my baby... Taking her food and eating under the table at dinnetime. Jenna my n-n-enna... always there when I needed a hug. Jenna... I miss you.
The Elysian fields called her to play and I'm certain that I'll get to pet her again one day. I hope they have carrots there! They were her favorite... just like her mommy.
That's my baby... The one on the left.